Chapter 2 of my life : Peng you or Love?
The story(The story below might be true and might be not true so think watever u think it is...=>) :
The friendship :
After y left me...all i left was my friends.BX and me are best frenz that time and afterwhich X join in our group so wherever we go we 3 will be together.No matter break time or after sch we stick together.X is very loyal to her frenz and frenz mean alotz to her(cld see).We three was very good until E enter into the picture.E was brought in by X.At first everything still alright until LOVE come into our friendship.Yes love destroyed our friendship and now left me n BX holdin on together.That time i dun realli like E but i just joke with BX n told her i do coz i m lonely i just feel like finding someone to replace y den BX joke with her or should i say told her...
BX: hey u noe hoh sam like u leh
E: huh?dun joke la
BX: realli she told me de
E: (silence)...
From that day on...something weird...dunno wat but just weird and online we chat alotz alotz.i was too playful on 2000 july i go tell E that i like her and guess wat...she give me an ans that i nv expected n no one expected even BX think is impossible...she say she like me too...the conversation with her is so sweet...we often tok for hours...and i dunno when start i start to wait for her online all the time...i on my computer 24 hour just to wait for her to online to tok to her...
Me n BX suspect X like her infact love her but X denied so we din ask much.But one day E come forward to me(we not yet attach coz i nv did ask her to be my gf).
E: sam i wan to tell u something
me: yar wat?
E: ytd me and X go to beach together after our outing
me: den?
E: she told me that she have been loving me since we sec 2
me: oh...i guess it...we can see lor...she really so good and seem possessive over u lor...and she somehow seem jealous of us like that
E: but i told her i like u
me: huh?den wat she say?
E: she kept quiet
After that i dunno i just dunno...i very much wan E to love X and NOT me coz can see X realli very into her and i have y in my heart but somehow i feel that i fall for her le.since when?i dunno...it just so funny...i start to care...maybe becoz the way she care for me n loved me...i just feel i need someone n maybe the one is her...i need to move on but still i stay put...did not do anithing coz hey my good fren like her...i dun wan to lose a fren bcoz of her.After some time...X asked E not to love me...give up me...she dun wan see E walking this way with me coz she noe how tough it cld be and E agreed.Online when we chat...
me: hey...why u so dao...dun tok to me le
E: sorry i m doing my thing
me: i feel that nowaday u like avoiding me leh
E: no i din
me: u got...anithing happened tell me leh
E: ok...X asked me to stop loving u and i agreed
me: WAT?!ok den we can still be frenz wat...why so distance?
E: i m sorry...i dunno why...just give me time
me: haix!
That time i din feel much coz i dun realli love her so much...but frenz is important to me n i nv tot of being with her also coz i cant hurt X n X tok to me...same i agree i will NOT be with E but the promises we made broke by us.We cldn't control so we secretly tok to each other...just like a lover but not truly lover coz we not yet hold hand!And one day online in irc me n E go to private channel to chat.we open two irc one our own and the other with another nick.My nick on our private channel was 'Love^E' while her's was 'Love^Sam'...i dunno how X discovered but she came into this channel and both of us was shock coz she see our nick!She just left after typing 'i hate u all' those words...i was numb...i dunno wat to say...i dun wan to lose her as frenz n E noe she cant break our friendship den E asked me not to worry she will explain everything to her.
Along this while i try to explain to X too...beside sorry i make promises toward X again.I got no choice i dun wan to lose this frenz so dearly to me just becoz of love...but...ard oct the 28th...u cld ask me why i remember so clearly becoz tt day is the day i was BADLY HURT by all my classmate...i sldn't have go to the class chalet!They hate me...i noe why coz i guess everyone must be thinkin i lead E to a BAD and WRONG way!I took a taxi rush to the chalet coz i wan faster see her n my frenz is rushing me but in the end i reach there less den 2 hour...i went home with tears in my heart!Wat happened?My so call friends all discriminate me and say me infront of her of everyone n this include X which hurt the most.I thought this is enuff for me to take it but nv did i expect after i reach hm...i xpect a comfort from E but guess wat she say?She emailed me....telling me stop doing wat i m doing she wun love me animore and she promised X to leave me and be back with X(best frenz).I broke down...yes i did...i cried...y??y must all my friends and especially HER to do this to me!I din tok to her and X for nearly 2 mths...i tot it's over...my friendship...my love...but....
I smsed her try toking to her after she give me a shock by appearin at my door step just to giv me birthday present and letter and christmas card and it's ard 12am 8/12...i remember well coz just b4 the dot of my birthday she came.That time i was so angry with her that i refuse to accept but no choice coz my parent are there n so she give n go...i regret for not following her up.I read the letter she gave me and all her wishes...first thought come to my mind...she actually still care?Did she lie to me when she say she dun love me animore?i can't think much my head hurt n i cry all night long.The very next day...X surprisely called me...n sing birthday song to me!The FIRST time ppl actually sing birthday song to me over phone...i m touched n i feel like crying...i m confused...who to choose X(frenz) or E(love).i dunno so i drag it on...until...finally i have the courage...maybe affection is something we cldn't control...i smsed E 'cld u be my gf?'...she agree...and den...when we will in sch...i tot since she my gf we sld be very close but everything turned out WRONG...she was with X n she ignored me!...i was disappointed...since she cant leave X why still wan to agree to be my gf??n so 4 days later i called her...
me: hello
E: yar?
me: u think we like att meh?cldn't let anione noe nvm but infact we r not toking or wat to each other...we r so cold toward one another
E: sorry i cant let X noe...i cant hurt her
me: y?u still feel guilty toward her?(she feel guilty toward X...cant leave her coz E ex J[a bung (gangster)] kept bullying X when J noe X like E and J & X once very good frenz but they break their frenship bcoz of E.And E choosen J over X and now she cant bear to choose me over X again...coz she feel history is repeating both me n X r very gd frenz too...she dun wan history repeat n hurt X again.)
E: yar the guiltiness will not go away
me: i give u a choice is either dun feel guilty animore coz not ur fault or we break off
E: sorry
The word 'sorry'...i think i noe the ans already and so...yep we break off after 4 day!She cried over the phone for hours before i hung up and me too.But...
The love begin and the friendship ended for me & X...
We both hurt X again n again...sorry is wat i cld say...in my heart in my mind...i noe i dun wan this way but...i dunno i have taken E as y le...i m so into her...i cant let go...so at the day when we go out...we crossed the road...out of safety i hold her hand(the first time i hold her hand) and afterwhich i din let go...keep holding on...my heart is pumping fast...i am afraid that she will let go her hand and reject me but she din!She accept me n hold my hand while walking down the street...i m so happy but sad after thinking this will end my friendship with X!She told me she want to forget the guiltiness and start all over with me coz she love me.she choosen me!...yep tt time i m sure i wan to be with her too...but neverless after X know we together...we lose her as friend forever.
Blissful...
We are so in love with each other...we are very happy together...everyday we are together...she go my house almost everyday to accompany me...she is caring just like y...she cook for me wake me up buy breakfast...everything n until even BX say that she love me more den i love her...i dunno...i realli dunno...we even study together...everyday just look forward to spent my time with her...watching vcd n so on n on...
I cant keep it animore...i told her about y...i cried bitterly over the phone...she cry with me...but in the end i told her is just a fake story to trick her...i dun wan her to think so much but deep inside my heart i noe i m lying n infact if i dun lie to myself tt all this din happened i cant go on.Everynit i thought of y...i feel guiltiness is strangling me...sometime i even thought of giving up E(tt's why i wan to break with her for ard few time but she beg me n in the end we din break)...and i noe y is gone...i got to be strong n move on.And becoz of the perfectness in y i wan E to be perfect i started grading her...haha...everyone might think i mad but yes...she told me she wan to reach the standard i wan her to be so she accept tt i grade her...from 0% until the day she reached 100%.
Obstacles started one after each...
one day while watching tv...i bite her neck...dunno why just the feeling mak me do that...n this is the GREATEST mistake i make...her parent saw and start to suspect she got a bf and m determine to find out who the person is.After that day we avoid each other...we dun wan anione to suspect...but yep we still together very loving...=>...it is sweet being with her...but of coz her parent din noe the person is me until...in 2001 8/12 we leave singapore go japan for tour but to us is honeymoon coz oni me n her...i spent my birthday over there...i will nv forget how blissful i m overthere...everynit i cuddle her in my arms to slp...we do everything together.I m so fortunate to have her...i tot to myself...at first god giv me y n now her...i smiled after the thought!After we are back in singapore...her parent more suspect after her auntie saw me in airport(i was very very boylish at tt time)...her auntie very big mouth asked her mum to watch out for her n me...n yes when she was in my hse one day her mum call...
E's mum: where r u?
E: me at my fren hse
E's mum: who la...
E: u dunno wan la
E's mum: u lied rit?now i at sam's hse downstair...u better come down now...
E: (scared,shocked,frown)ok
After she get home she called me...
E: sam my mum seem to noe le
me: noe wat?
E: me n u
me: why?how come?how come suddenly she suspect u lied n come my hse downstair?
E: coz of my auntie big mouth lor...i hate her n even qurrelled with her
me: huh den how?
E: like tt lor...nvm wan...dun worry
me: ok...hey...(we continued our conversation like nothin happened)
But...one day my mum tok to me...she say...(i dunno why but normally is mum who is very wise or isit dad dun care much for our youngster love?...dunno)
mum: do u noe ur E's mum call me?
me: WAT?!how come she got ur number?
mum: i give her...last time we at airport chat mah
me: wat she say?
mum: she say u n E lesbian!
me: ok den
mum: den...u better dun create trouble for us until ppl parent come up our hse look for u...
me: wun wan la...i noe wat i m doing...
I thought to myself...wat the hell...how cld E's mum did that?!...wan call also call me personally WHY my mum?!...i din bother much but again weeks later...RING RING...
me: hello
E's mum: u r sam rit?
me: erm yep...(thinking: i noe is her...why she call me?)
E's mum: pls leave E alone can?
me: huh?why?
E's mum: u noe why...u cant give her anithing can u...u r nothing...wat can u give to my daughter?(this word curve deep inside my head...n tt's why i wan prove everyone wrong!i can be better den guy!)
me: but...(b4 i cld finish my sentance she cut in)
E's mum: pls la...i noe E like u alotz do so much for u but for her sake...if u love her let her go!
me: ok auntie i noe wat to do...
Infact i lie to her...how can i leave E?no way!I din tell E about this...i dun wan her to hate her mum...coz she did qurrel with her parent plenty of time over me.
The break up...
We are strong we continue our fantasy love...but good thing dun last long...i nv expect in the yr 2003...she destroyed our love.At first we qurrel over something which i not sure wat it is and i m angry...i din tok to her for days...but i go find her in the end.She wan a break up...
E: sam we break ba
me: (agitated)WHY?!
E: becoz my parent noe about us and they wun let us be together and i cant be the girl u wan...i cant reach 100%.I m tired!(she cried)
me: (my tears drop uncontrollblely but i respected her decision)let me sing the last song for u
E: ok
i sang the song 'wo ai ni by wang jie' for the last time to let her listen...she cry even more...she is devastated i cld see it frm her eyes...i smsed her....'do u still love me?'she sms me back 'no'...i dun believe...i guess maybe she wan me giv up so she like tt say coz if she dun love me animore why did she cry so badly infront of me? But i m WRONG...maybe she just act infront of me coz few weeks later...i found out something that terribly broke me down!...she attached!...how can she do this to me?!...she give me so much FAKE excuses to break with me!If she like other le...just say...maybe i m not that angry but WHY lie?! and she noe all the time i HATE LIARS!...and she leave me when she close to 100%...when my love for her had increased...when we go thru so much...
The break down...
i break down totally...losing her...i thought of losing y...i sld have wait quietly for y and NOT to fall in love with another ger...i deserve it...i say to myself...i m a fool to believe...i sld have oni believe ONLY y love me so much till she cld even lose everything for me...i cldn't eat...cldn't slp...cld't go sch...cldn't study...cldn't do anithing but to cry everyday...everyday i under medi care coz i even tried to kill myself(under depression)...n my family suffered with me...but in the end...after a yr later...i stand up!...with the help of friends n family...this time i dun believe animore...everything seem fake to me...i dun trust love animore...n so i remain unattached but thinking of y everyday n nit...she is the one who keep me going...me n E nv contact animore as for E and X...i dunno.
This song specially dedicated to X :
*I lose my friendship bcoz of love...no nv to repeat this again...=>*
The friendship :
After y left me...all i left was my friends.BX and me are best frenz that time and afterwhich X join in our group so wherever we go we 3 will be together.No matter break time or after sch we stick together.X is very loyal to her frenz and frenz mean alotz to her(cld see).We three was very good until E enter into the picture.E was brought in by X.At first everything still alright until LOVE come into our friendship.Yes love destroyed our friendship and now left me n BX holdin on together.That time i dun realli like E but i just joke with BX n told her i do coz i m lonely i just feel like finding someone to replace y den BX joke with her or should i say told her...
BX: hey u noe hoh sam like u leh
E: huh?dun joke la
BX: realli she told me de
E: (silence)...
From that day on...something weird...dunno wat but just weird and online we chat alotz alotz.i was too playful on 2000 july i go tell E that i like her and guess wat...she give me an ans that i nv expected n no one expected even BX think is impossible...she say she like me too...the conversation with her is so sweet...we often tok for hours...and i dunno when start i start to wait for her online all the time...i on my computer 24 hour just to wait for her to online to tok to her...
Me n BX suspect X like her infact love her but X denied so we din ask much.But one day E come forward to me(we not yet attach coz i nv did ask her to be my gf).
E: sam i wan to tell u something
me: yar wat?
E: ytd me and X go to beach together after our outing
me: den?
E: she told me that she have been loving me since we sec 2
me: oh...i guess it...we can see lor...she really so good and seem possessive over u lor...and she somehow seem jealous of us like that
E: but i told her i like u
me: huh?den wat she say?
E: she kept quiet
After that i dunno i just dunno...i very much wan E to love X and NOT me coz can see X realli very into her and i have y in my heart but somehow i feel that i fall for her le.since when?i dunno...it just so funny...i start to care...maybe becoz the way she care for me n loved me...i just feel i need someone n maybe the one is her...i need to move on but still i stay put...did not do anithing coz hey my good fren like her...i dun wan to lose a fren bcoz of her.After some time...X asked E not to love me...give up me...she dun wan see E walking this way with me coz she noe how tough it cld be and E agreed.Online when we chat...
me: hey...why u so dao...dun tok to me le
E: sorry i m doing my thing
me: i feel that nowaday u like avoiding me leh
E: no i din
me: u got...anithing happened tell me leh
E: ok...X asked me to stop loving u and i agreed
me: WAT?!ok den we can still be frenz wat...why so distance?
E: i m sorry...i dunno why...just give me time
me: haix!
That time i din feel much coz i dun realli love her so much...but frenz is important to me n i nv tot of being with her also coz i cant hurt X n X tok to me...same i agree i will NOT be with E but the promises we made broke by us.We cldn't control so we secretly tok to each other...just like a lover but not truly lover coz we not yet hold hand!And one day online in irc me n E go to private channel to chat.we open two irc one our own and the other with another nick.My nick on our private channel was 'Love^E' while her's was 'Love^Sam'...i dunno how X discovered but she came into this channel and both of us was shock coz she see our nick!She just left after typing 'i hate u all' those words...i was numb...i dunno wat to say...i dun wan to lose her as frenz n E noe she cant break our friendship den E asked me not to worry she will explain everything to her.
Along this while i try to explain to X too...beside sorry i make promises toward X again.I got no choice i dun wan to lose this frenz so dearly to me just becoz of love...but...ard oct the 28th...u cld ask me why i remember so clearly becoz tt day is the day i was BADLY HURT by all my classmate...i sldn't have go to the class chalet!They hate me...i noe why coz i guess everyone must be thinkin i lead E to a BAD and WRONG way!I took a taxi rush to the chalet coz i wan faster see her n my frenz is rushing me but in the end i reach there less den 2 hour...i went home with tears in my heart!Wat happened?My so call friends all discriminate me and say me infront of her of everyone n this include X which hurt the most.I thought this is enuff for me to take it but nv did i expect after i reach hm...i xpect a comfort from E but guess wat she say?She emailed me....telling me stop doing wat i m doing she wun love me animore and she promised X to leave me and be back with X(best frenz).I broke down...yes i did...i cried...y??y must all my friends and especially HER to do this to me!I din tok to her and X for nearly 2 mths...i tot it's over...my friendship...my love...but....
I smsed her try toking to her after she give me a shock by appearin at my door step just to giv me birthday present and letter and christmas card and it's ard 12am 8/12...i remember well coz just b4 the dot of my birthday she came.That time i was so angry with her that i refuse to accept but no choice coz my parent are there n so she give n go...i regret for not following her up.I read the letter she gave me and all her wishes...first thought come to my mind...she actually still care?Did she lie to me when she say she dun love me animore?i can't think much my head hurt n i cry all night long.The very next day...X surprisely called me...n sing birthday song to me!The FIRST time ppl actually sing birthday song to me over phone...i m touched n i feel like crying...i m confused...who to choose X(frenz) or E(love).i dunno so i drag it on...until...finally i have the courage...maybe affection is something we cldn't control...i smsed E 'cld u be my gf?'...she agree...and den...when we will in sch...i tot since she my gf we sld be very close but everything turned out WRONG...she was with X n she ignored me!...i was disappointed...since she cant leave X why still wan to agree to be my gf??n so 4 days later i called her...
me: hello
E: yar?
me: u think we like att meh?cldn't let anione noe nvm but infact we r not toking or wat to each other...we r so cold toward one another
E: sorry i cant let X noe...i cant hurt her
me: y?u still feel guilty toward her?(she feel guilty toward X...cant leave her coz E ex J[a bung (gangster)] kept bullying X when J noe X like E and J & X once very good frenz but they break their frenship bcoz of E.And E choosen J over X and now she cant bear to choose me over X again...coz she feel history is repeating both me n X r very gd frenz too...she dun wan history repeat n hurt X again.)
E: yar the guiltiness will not go away
me: i give u a choice is either dun feel guilty animore coz not ur fault or we break off
E: sorry
The word 'sorry'...i think i noe the ans already and so...yep we break off after 4 day!She cried over the phone for hours before i hung up and me too.But...
The love begin and the friendship ended for me & X...
We both hurt X again n again...sorry is wat i cld say...in my heart in my mind...i noe i dun wan this way but...i dunno i have taken E as y le...i m so into her...i cant let go...so at the day when we go out...we crossed the road...out of safety i hold her hand(the first time i hold her hand) and afterwhich i din let go...keep holding on...my heart is pumping fast...i am afraid that she will let go her hand and reject me but she din!She accept me n hold my hand while walking down the street...i m so happy but sad after thinking this will end my friendship with X!She told me she want to forget the guiltiness and start all over with me coz she love me.she choosen me!...yep tt time i m sure i wan to be with her too...but neverless after X know we together...we lose her as friend forever.
Blissful...
We are so in love with each other...we are very happy together...everyday we are together...she go my house almost everyday to accompany me...she is caring just like y...she cook for me wake me up buy breakfast...everything n until even BX say that she love me more den i love her...i dunno...i realli dunno...we even study together...everyday just look forward to spent my time with her...watching vcd n so on n on...
I cant keep it animore...i told her about y...i cried bitterly over the phone...she cry with me...but in the end i told her is just a fake story to trick her...i dun wan her to think so much but deep inside my heart i noe i m lying n infact if i dun lie to myself tt all this din happened i cant go on.Everynit i thought of y...i feel guiltiness is strangling me...sometime i even thought of giving up E(tt's why i wan to break with her for ard few time but she beg me n in the end we din break)...and i noe y is gone...i got to be strong n move on.And becoz of the perfectness in y i wan E to be perfect i started grading her...haha...everyone might think i mad but yes...she told me she wan to reach the standard i wan her to be so she accept tt i grade her...from 0% until the day she reached 100%.
Obstacles started one after each...
one day while watching tv...i bite her neck...dunno why just the feeling mak me do that...n this is the GREATEST mistake i make...her parent saw and start to suspect she got a bf and m determine to find out who the person is.After that day we avoid each other...we dun wan anione to suspect...but yep we still together very loving...=>...it is sweet being with her...but of coz her parent din noe the person is me until...in 2001 8/12 we leave singapore go japan for tour but to us is honeymoon coz oni me n her...i spent my birthday over there...i will nv forget how blissful i m overthere...everynit i cuddle her in my arms to slp...we do everything together.I m so fortunate to have her...i tot to myself...at first god giv me y n now her...i smiled after the thought!After we are back in singapore...her parent more suspect after her auntie saw me in airport(i was very very boylish at tt time)...her auntie very big mouth asked her mum to watch out for her n me...n yes when she was in my hse one day her mum call...
E's mum: where r u?
E: me at my fren hse
E's mum: who la...
E: u dunno wan la
E's mum: u lied rit?now i at sam's hse downstair...u better come down now...
E: (scared,shocked,frown)ok
After she get home she called me...
E: sam my mum seem to noe le
me: noe wat?
E: me n u
me: why?how come?how come suddenly she suspect u lied n come my hse downstair?
E: coz of my auntie big mouth lor...i hate her n even qurrelled with her
me: huh den how?
E: like tt lor...nvm wan...dun worry
me: ok...hey...(we continued our conversation like nothin happened)
But...one day my mum tok to me...she say...(i dunno why but normally is mum who is very wise or isit dad dun care much for our youngster love?...dunno)
mum: do u noe ur E's mum call me?
me: WAT?!how come she got ur number?
mum: i give her...last time we at airport chat mah
me: wat she say?
mum: she say u n E lesbian!
me: ok den
mum: den...u better dun create trouble for us until ppl parent come up our hse look for u...
me: wun wan la...i noe wat i m doing...
I thought to myself...wat the hell...how cld E's mum did that?!...wan call also call me personally WHY my mum?!...i din bother much but again weeks later...RING RING...
me: hello
E's mum: u r sam rit?
me: erm yep...(thinking: i noe is her...why she call me?)
E's mum: pls leave E alone can?
me: huh?why?
E's mum: u noe why...u cant give her anithing can u...u r nothing...wat can u give to my daughter?(this word curve deep inside my head...n tt's why i wan prove everyone wrong!i can be better den guy!)
me: but...(b4 i cld finish my sentance she cut in)
E's mum: pls la...i noe E like u alotz do so much for u but for her sake...if u love her let her go!
me: ok auntie i noe wat to do...
Infact i lie to her...how can i leave E?no way!I din tell E about this...i dun wan her to hate her mum...coz she did qurrel with her parent plenty of time over me.
The break up...
We are strong we continue our fantasy love...but good thing dun last long...i nv expect in the yr 2003...she destroyed our love.At first we qurrel over something which i not sure wat it is and i m angry...i din tok to her for days...but i go find her in the end.She wan a break up...
E: sam we break ba
me: (agitated)WHY?!
E: becoz my parent noe about us and they wun let us be together and i cant be the girl u wan...i cant reach 100%.I m tired!(she cried)
me: (my tears drop uncontrollblely but i respected her decision)let me sing the last song for u
E: ok
i sang the song 'wo ai ni by wang jie' for the last time to let her listen...she cry even more...she is devastated i cld see it frm her eyes...i smsed her....'do u still love me?'she sms me back 'no'...i dun believe...i guess maybe she wan me giv up so she like tt say coz if she dun love me animore why did she cry so badly infront of me? But i m WRONG...maybe she just act infront of me coz few weeks later...i found out something that terribly broke me down!...she attached!...how can she do this to me?!...she give me so much FAKE excuses to break with me!If she like other le...just say...maybe i m not that angry but WHY lie?! and she noe all the time i HATE LIARS!...and she leave me when she close to 100%...when my love for her had increased...when we go thru so much...
The break down...
i break down totally...losing her...i thought of losing y...i sld have wait quietly for y and NOT to fall in love with another ger...i deserve it...i say to myself...i m a fool to believe...i sld have oni believe ONLY y love me so much till she cld even lose everything for me...i cldn't eat...cldn't slp...cld't go sch...cldn't study...cldn't do anithing but to cry everyday...everyday i under medi care coz i even tried to kill myself(under depression)...n my family suffered with me...but in the end...after a yr later...i stand up!...with the help of friends n family...this time i dun believe animore...everything seem fake to me...i dun trust love animore...n so i remain unattached but thinking of y everyday n nit...she is the one who keep me going...me n E nv contact animore as for E and X...i dunno.
This song specially dedicated to X :
*I lose my friendship bcoz of love...no nv to repeat this again...=>*
posted by Jin yong at 9:16:00 AM
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